Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Author unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow tied to the back of his truck. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Bud's Ramblings...

Since I grew up north of Buffalo, NY in North Tonawanda, I'm familiar with white precipitation falling from the sky anytime between the months between November and April. But I moved south into the "snow belt" near Fredonia, NY about 8 years ago. Now, I know some of the natives around here will tell you that we don't get that much snow here but...THEY LIE!

Almost two years ago, Diane took me shopping for a snow blower at Monte's. Monte's is a great little store, which sells lawn tractors, snow blowers, etc. Diane ended up buying a snow blower which can pull a house! This thing has 6 forward speeds, two reverse speeds, a headlight, electronic starter, cruise control, powered wheels which can turn it right or left, a pistol grip which aims the chute and the snow up, down, left or right, and a cup holder. (I lied about the cup holder...Diane has her limits!) I told her at the time that we didn't need something that big. But I now admit every time I come back into the house after snowblowing with my frozen white ski mask, brittle mittens, cold/wet pants and heavy boots...I mumble to her through numb lips: "What a great snow blower!!!!!!"

This snow blower even waits for me when I fall. Here's what happens every time I slip and fall using this snow blower... As I fall, the snow blower stops moving, the auger (which throws the snow) stops, Kacey (my dog) runs up to me to lick my frozen ski mask. Then I get back to my feet and away I go.

I am now sitting in the warm office with my frozen feet on top of Kacey (my golden retriever, who is at this moment lying under my desk). As I look out the window, I see snow being whipped horizontally from the right to the left. The snow is caked onto the outside window screen, so I can only see through the upper window. Everything outside is white with the exception of a few branches of the naked trees across the road.

Sunrise has already occurred (I know that because it is a little brighter outside) but I will not actually see the sun again until mid-May. During winter, we have only nighttime (dark) and daytime (a little less dark). A 100 mile stretch of the Thruway from Rochester, NY to the Pennsylvania state line is now closed due to blowing/drifting snow and I'm considering calling the Florida Chamber of Commerce.

Last year, I found an article titled: 'Diary of a shoveler.' Since I'm shoveling and snow blowing 4 times a day, I thought I'd dig out that article and share it again. Even though the author is unknown, I'm sure this guy lived in our neighborhood and is now drooling on himself wearing a jacket tied only in the back.
I'll stick the article on my blog tomorrow.

The feeling has finally returned to my left index finger. I know that because I felt it when I typed the letter "F" in the word "finger!"

May you and yours enjoy a WARM & Merry Christmas...
Bud (and a very warm Kacey)

Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder Instrument repairman: Anita Hammer Attorney: Gil T. Azell

Christmas trivia
• During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.
• Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the founding of the company.
• In an effort to solicit cash to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large crab pot was set down on a San Francisco street, becoming the first Salvation Army collection kettle.
• More diamonds are purchased at Christmas-time (31 %) than during any other holiday or occasion during the year.
• More than three billion Christmas cards are sent annually in the United States.
• After ‘A Christmas Carol,’ Charles Dickens wrote several other Christmas stories, one each year, but none was as successful as the original.
• An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year and see 28 cards return in their place.

Boring Christmas Statistics
$457.4 billion - Holiday sales
$93.2 billion - Donations given to religious organizations, the top recipient of aid
842 million mph - Speed Santa traveled to visit all 842,000,000 houses on his route
51.7 million - People who shopped online from work for holiday gifts
46 million - Households with an artificial Christmas tree this year
36 million- Estimated number of real Christmas trees sold
22 million - Households without a Christmas tree this year
$791 - Amount each consumer will spend this year ($451.34 - spent on family / $99.22 - spent on self)
$30.57 - Spent on greeting cards and postage
25 - Number of years that fruitcakes can age and still be “enjoyed,” as long as they have the right preservatives and are stored in tightly closed tins
11% - People who say they would make time to re-gift a fruitcake
4% - Americans who don't celebrate Christmas at all

'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
Ad-man Robert L. May created “Rudolph” in 1939, when he wrote a whimsical little story and circulated it at Christmas time in pamphlet form among the Montgomery Ward mail-order department. Ten years later, tunesmith Johnny Marks composed a musical setting, and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” burst on the holiday scene in Gene Autry’s hugely successful recording. (Autry was originally afraid the song wasn’t right for his cowboy image, but his wife, Ira, convinced him it was.)

#1 Song on this date in history
December 21
1958 – ‘The Chipmunk Song’ (David Seville & the Chipmunks)
1952 – ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ (Jimmy Boyd)
1942 – ‘White Christmas’ (Bing Crosby)

History of Christmas Toys Timeline: ‘Lincoln Logs’
Question from last week: John Lloyd Wright, the son of architect Frank Lloyd Wright, introduces a new toy in 1916. He is inspired by the way his father designed the earthquake-proof ‘Imperial Hotel’ in Tokyo, Japan. What popular toy did he design?
Answer: John Lloyd Wright was inspired by his father’s building design to invent interlocking toy logs called Lincoln Logs, which children still use to build imaginative structures. The patent for Lincoln Logs [# 1,351,086] was issued 8/31/1920. As late as 1975, Lincoln Logs were still selling at a rate of one million sets a year.
Next week: In 1901, at just 22 years of age, Joshua L. Cowen creates a battery-powered toy as an ‘animated advertisement’ for products in a store’s display window. To his surprise, customers are more interested in buying his display toy, than the merchandise in the display window. What toy did he invent? Answer next week.

We would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Christmas songs Brain teaser #3 Answers

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas carols:
ANSWERS:

Approach everyone who is steadfast: 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'

Ecstasy toward the orb: 'Joy to the World'

Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize: 'Hark, the Herald Angels Sing'

Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem: 'Oh Little Town of Bethlehem'

Quiescent Nocturnal period: 'Silent Night'

The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo: 'We Three Kings'

The primary carol: 'The First Noel'

Embellish the corridors: 'Deck the Halls'

I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide: 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas'

I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise: 'I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus'

During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight: 'While Shepherds Kept their Flocks by Night'

The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day: 'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear'

The coniferous nativity: 'O Christmas Tree'

What offspring abides thus?: 'What Child is This?'

Removed in a bovine feeding trough: 'Away in a Manger'

Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!: 'God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen'

Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti: 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'

The slight percussionist lad: 'The Little Drummer Boy'

Father Christmas approaches the metropolis: 'Santa Claus is coming to Town'

Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere: 'Angels We have Heard on High'

The tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere: 'O Holy Night'

Christmas songs Brain teaser #3

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas carols. {Nobody has gotten all the correct titles yet!)


Approach everyone who is steadfast:

Ecstasy toward the orb:

Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize:

Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem:

Quiescent Nocturnal period:

The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo:

The primary carol:

Embellish the corridors:

I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide:

I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise:

During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight:

The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day:

The coniferous nativity:

What offspring abides thus?:

Removed in a bovine feeding trough:

Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!:

Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti:

The slight percussionist lad:

Father Christmas approaches the metropolis:

Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere:

The tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere:

(Answers tomorrow)
[Mikey's funnies]

‘Twas the week after Christmas…

It’s the week after Christmas,
I’m crabby and I’m broke.
I’m so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I’m gonna croak!

It’s nice to see the relatives -
I wonder when they’ll leave.
They’ve been camping in my bathroom
Since early Christmas Eve.

They’re eating everything in sight
And sleeping in my bed.
I’m sacked out in the basement
With a blanket o’er my head.

Now the relatives have all gone out
And left their screaming brats,
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
And I can’t find the cat.

It’s Christmastime at my house,
The family is all here.
They eat me out of house and home,
And drink up all my beer.

My mother-in-law is snoring
In my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
And tinseling her hair.

I oughta wake her up
Before the fireworks begin,
But I wanna see the sparks fly
When they plug her in.

Now the kids are in a free-for-all,
The girls against the boys,
They’re fighting over boxes
‘Cause they’re bored with all their toys.

I love the Christmas spirit
And the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
Would take their kids and go!

Christmas musical

Many of you came out to see the Christmas musical 'Once Upon a Holy Night' this past weekend to make fun of me...thanks!
Just kidding! It was good to see many of you again.
I hope to see you Tuesday evening (12/16) at St. Columban's on the Lake (Rt. 5 in Sheridan). We'll begin Christmas caroling at 6:45 pm.
Please join us as we sing for the residents.

Merry Christmas!

From Bud's World

Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder Instrument repairman: Anita Hammer Attorney: Gil T. Azell

A look back at Christmas in the ‘Good old days’ (Silver Creek)
From ‘Once Upon A Time’ by Marion Thomas
“How did Silver Creek celebrate the holidays in the 1820’s? The little town was originally called Fayette, NY and the only permanent building in the community was the home of the original settler, John Howard (now 24 Howard Street). There would have been few family reunions, for distances were too great in that day and families too widely separated, since most of these settlers were New Englanders. If friends or relatives were in neighboring pioneer communities, they would be arriving either in ox-cart or on horseback. The holiday dinner, of course, was very different from today’s version. Life was still too primitive, too limited and restricted by circumstances to permit anything other than the foods that came close to nature: wild game, Indian corn meal, and such dishes as could be prepared on an open fire in pots hanging from the crane and in iron kettles on little legs that could stand in the coals.
The emphasis of the holiday without question would have been put upon the church service where these families could join together in their devout holiday with a feeling of close unity. Who would have conducted the service is a question. It might have been the Rev. George Lane, the first Methodist Circuit Rider who formed the first “Methodist Class” in Fayette. To these few families bound together by necessity in a comparative wilderness where newspapers, books, periodicals of any kind were not available, a preaching service was a privilege and above all others, an experience to be fed upon.” [‘Once Upon A Time’ – 1976]

From the Choir Loft
Please join us for a time of Christmas caroling this Tuesday evening (12/16/08) @ 6:45 pm at Saint Columban’s on the Lake (2546 Lake Road – Route 5) Sheridan, NY. We will most likely be roaming the halls of the residence singing traditional Christmas carols. Please wear comfortable clothing under your winter coats, since the facility is usually kept quite warm. Even if you can’t carry a tune in a bucket, bring your bucket and help us wish the residents a Merry Christmas!

'Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!’
One perishingly hot day in July 1945, Jule Styne and Sammy Cahn were in Los Angeles to talk with their publisher, Edwin H. Morris. Their business finished, Cahn suggested that they go to the beach to cool off. But Styne, always businesslike, thought they ought to work a little first. He suggested that they cool off by writing a winter song. Cahn finally agreed and dashed off the beginnings of a lyric; Styne responded with the beginnings of a tune. Before long, ‘Let It Snow!’ was finished.

#1 Song on this date in history December 14
1970 – ‘The Tears of a Clown’ (Smoky Robinson & The Miracles)
1968 – ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’ (Elvis Presly)
1942 – ‘White Christmas’ (Bing Crosby)

History of Christmas Toys Timeline: ‘Slinky’
Question from last week: While searching for a suspension device to ease rough sailing on battleships during World War II, navy engineer Richard James discovers that his torsion spring might make an interesting child’s toy. This toy is still manufactured in Hollidaysburg, Pennsylvania on the same 8 machines that James began with over 70 years ago. What toy is it?
Answer: Navy engineer Richard James found that a torsion spring will “walk” end over end when knocked over. James brought the discovery home to his wife, who named the new toy “Slinky.” If stretched end to end, the Slinky toys sold since 1945 would wrap around the world over 126 times.

Next week: John Lloyd Wright, the son of architect Frank Lloyd Wright, introduces a new toy in 1916. He is inspired by the way his father designed the earthquake-proof ‘Imperial Hotel’ in Tokyo, Japan. What popular toy did he design? (Answer next week!)

Bud: (716) 934-7734, email: tubamanbud@gmail.com
For Community chorus or New Horizon Band updates:
www.frombudsworld.blogspot.com

Buffalo Bills fans...

The New York State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Buffalo. For the first offense, they give you two Buffalo Bills tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Buffalo Bills

Q. What do the Buffalo Bills and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

Q. How do you keep the Buffalo Bills out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. Where do you go in Buffalo in case of a tornado?
A. To the Ralph Wilson Stadium - they never have a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call a Buffalo Bill with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Buffalo Bills does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q. What do the Buffalo Bills and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Elf Pet Peeves...

~ Ever since they hit the big time, those Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.

~ Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"

~ Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.

~ Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked "elf."

~ Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

[Mikey's Funnies]

Christmas songs brain teaser #1 (Answers)

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas
carols: ANSWERS:

Quadruped with crimson proboscis: 'Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer'

5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise: 'Silent Night'

Minuscule hamlet in the far east: 'O Little Town of Bethlehem'

Ancient benevolent despot: 'Good King Wenceslas' (or some believe in Jolly Old
St. Nicholas)'

Adorn the vestibule: 'Deck the Halls'

Exuberance directed to the planet: 'Joy to the World'

Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing: 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'

Yonder in the haystack: 'Away in a Manger'

Assemble, everyone who believes: 'Come All Ye Faithful'

Hallowed post meridian: 'O Holy Night'

Fantasies of a colorless December 25th: 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas'

Tin tintinnabulums: 'Silver Bells'

A dozen 24-hour Yule periods: 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'

Befell during the transparent bewitching hour: 'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear'

Homo sapien of crystallized vapor: 'Frosty the Snowman'

I merely desire a pair of incisors: 'All I want for Christmas is My Two Front
Teeth'

I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red: 'I Saw Mama Kissing
Santa Claus'

Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy: 'Walking Through a Winter
Wonderland'

Aloft on the acme of the abode: 'Up on the Rooftop'