2008 in review...

Do you remember these names and images from 2008?
(in no particular order of prominence...)






Jennifer Stuczynski: We're very proud of this pole vaulting silver medalist of the summer olympics native of Fredonia, NY.



















Barrack Obama: Who really thought he would win? Did he really bowl a 37?







Mitt Romney: Alright already! I know what a Mormon is!!!!







Rudy Giuliani: Who runs for President, but only campaigns in Florida unless you're running for President of AARP?







John McCain: I'm still not convinced he really wanted to win.







Mike Huckabee: This former pastor/guitar player lasted longer than anyone thought he would. Like the 'Energizer Bunny,' he just wouldn't quit!









Hillary Clinton: (is she still a state senator?) Is she on "paid leave" from her NY Senate seat?








Fannie Mae: Sounds like a new musical opening on Broadway.






Freddie Mac: Did you hear McDonald's is going to offer a new 'FreddieMacBurger? It used to have a 1/4 lb. of beef...now it only contains a pickle.






Eliot Spitzer: (where's he been hiding?)








Jeremiah Wright: "God Bless America!" Does anyone listen to the sermon?






Plaxico Burress: Never carry a loaded handgun in your pants!






Al Franken: SNL characters really love politics! He may end up being a US Senator. They're still counting the votes!






Tony Rezko: Not everyone will remember this guy!






iPhone: I could never afford one!








Joe Biden: (is he from Pennsylvania or Delaware?)






Sarah Palin: My brother lives in Anchorage, Alaska. They love her up there!








Michael Phelps: Who is Mark Spitz?







2008 Beijing Summer Olympics: Did you watch any TV coverage of the Olympics? I tried to watch Jennifer or table tennis (Yes, I'm a ping-pong nerd!) I couldn't find Jennifer or ping-pong coverage. But I did watch the exciting synchronized swimming and gymnastics coverage (YAWN!).

















Tina Fey: Is her name Tina Fey or Sarah Palin?







O.J. Simpson: As Buffalo Bills fans, we remember him as #32...I guess he's got a different number now!







$4.00/Gallon: "What goes up...must come down!"

Video '2008 Year in Review'

This is a great video of the year 2008 year in review.
It's called Uncle Jay explains...








http://www.unclejayexplains.com/media/UJ%2012-22-08.wmv

Prayer of negotiation

Don't Go Too Far

Two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them became frightened and began to pray.

"O Lord," he prayed, “I've broken most of thy commandments. I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise never again...”

"Wait a minute, Jack,” said his friend. “Don't go too far. I think I see a sail.”

The boring church

The Christmas Eve service was over, the couple shook all the hands on the way out the door as they wished everyone a Merry Christmas.

As they drove home, the wife decided to find out what he thought of this wonderful service.

The husband thought for a moment and replied: "you're always trying to get me to go to that boring church. Every time I attend a service, they either sing 'He Arose' or 'Silent Night!'"

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Financial woes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donder and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues as well as the box stores have diminished Santa's market share and Santa could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model hybrid Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

We are pleased to announce that Rudolph's role will not be changed. Tradition is very important at the North Pole. But the following changes are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas Division...'

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop we thought it would be. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. Since the election of the new French president, the French products seem to be on the rebound with those on our U.S. list.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talk.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Elves. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.

As you can imagine, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce saving which will drop down the bottom line.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

More cuts/layoffs may be announced previous to Santa's appearance before the U.S. Congress. We are offering a new line of Santa's North Pole consumer products. They are of the finest quality and are mostly manufactured at the North Pole.

[credit willoughbyontheweb] & Bud

A Politically Correct Christmas

More problems for Santa...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck!
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
'Vertically Challenged' they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, that sure looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

2nd hand smoke from his pipe had others quite frightened!
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
His being chubby and Jolly saying his Ho Ho Ho.
Was now taboo, he should be somber and thin as a beanpole.

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion.
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gin that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gin, it's price beyond worth!!!
May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth.

[Anonymous]

The meaning of Christmas...

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes, or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?

~ Theodore Giesel

[selected from The Quote Garden]

Restructuring at the North Pole...

You've read the numerous headlines about the financial woes of the auto manufacturers, banks, insurance companies, cities, etc. But, did you realize that there are financial problems at the North Pole also?

Not only are Santa, Mrs. Claus and Santa's elves experiencing financial difficulty, but they're trying to prepare for global warming. These are difficult times!

Plus Santa has experienced some recent unexpected legal problems.

Since Santa will be returning from his overnight trip tomorrow morning, he will then be posting some of his restructuring plans for the North Pole, Inc. This will be in preparation for his visit to capital hill in Washington where he will be making his case for financial aid from the U.S. government.

Tomorrow, we will be posting some of his downsizing plans on our blog.

Stay tuned for a partial list of some of these painful changes.

But in the meantime, Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Author unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow tied to the back of his truck. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?