How Many Women? A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Last night, Diane coaxed me into going outside, on a cloudless, calm, quiet, 40 degree night to stare into the heavens just to catch a glimpse of the International Space Station as it sped across the pitch black sky.
Kacey (the world's best Golden Retriever), and I were reluctant participants in this activity, but at about 9:47 pm, without any feeling in my extremities, I pointed my numb index finger toward the northwest to point out the bright orange light as it streaked across the night sky. Yes, I was excited as Kacey just rolled his eyes.
Patriotic Concerts Tuesday, June 24 @ Heritage Village @ 7:00 pm (Gerry) Saturday, June 28 @8:00 pm @ pre-fireworks Willow Creek winery (Sheridan) Tuesday, July 1 @ 7:00 pm @ St. Columbans on the Lake (Sheridan) Sunday, July 6 @ 7:00 pm @ Sheridan United Methodist (Sheridan) Tuesday, July 8 @ 7:15 pm @ Lakeshore Nursing facility (Irving) Sunday, July 13 @ 3:00 pm @ Cattaraugus Christian Camp (Cattaraugus) Tuesday, July 29 @ 7:00 pm @ Laona Playground
Attire is combination of red/white/blue (Stars & Stripes patterns encouraged) Please bring choral book & copy of ‘Salute to the armed forces’ medley *Times listed are “start” times…Report times are one hour earlier*
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish!
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Bud's Funnies "Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies." ~ Anonymous "The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy." ~ Helen Hayes (at age 73)
I was just wondering… Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why call it a building if it's already been built? If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards? From the Choir Loft The church choir can use your help. No auditions necessary. All singers gratefully welcomed. We are a friendly group, who quickly embrace you into our ensemble. The music is easy. If you can’t read music, this is your chance to learn. Less than a commitment of one hour / week necessary. If you have any questions, call Bud at (716) 934-7734.
Wit or Wisdom? “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” ~ Benjamin Franklin “Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”
~ Unknown “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds...” ~ Albert Einstein
Today in History May 25 In the nation’s capital, in addition to the Lincoln Memorial, there is another statue of Lincoln worth seeing. It is a sculpture in bronze in the National Cathedral, of Lincoln kneeling in prayer.
Gazing upon it, the visitor is reminded of what the President once told his future secretary, Noah Brooks: “I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.”
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: "Not intended for highway use." 500-piece puzzle: "Some assembly required." A birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." A Frisbee: "Warning:May contain small parts." A toilet at a public sports facility: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." A toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from a road accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, "I’m fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule ’Bessie’ into the......."
"I didn’t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ’I’m fine!’"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got ’Bessie’ into the trailer and I was driving down the road...".
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, "I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule ’Bessie’ ".
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded ’Bessie’, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and ’Bessie’ was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ’ole ’Bessie’ moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear ’Bessie’ moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
Tonight's (5/22) chorus rehearsal has moved to the St. John Bosco auditorium (2777 Main Road [Rt. 20] in Sheridan) It is just west of the Sheridan United Methodist church (on the same side of Route 20). This change is for tonight only! Same time...7:00 pm.
Funnies If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two and keep away from the children." Holy Family in a Plane A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. “I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus,” she said to the boy. “But who does the fourth head belong to?” The boy replied, “That's Pontius the pilot.”
I was just wondering… Is yawning really contagious? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it? If firefighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters do?
From the Choir Loft “Hide it under a bushel…NO! I’m gonna let it shine.” You know those words to ‘Let it shine.’ We provide the opportunity and privilege of singing for the Lord. We make it as easy as we possibly can to join us in the church choir. We have a brief rehearsal following each Sunday morning’s service (15 – 20 minutes). We also have a 30 minute rehearsal each Tuesday evening. The choir is growing and I give you my word that I will make it as fun as I possibly can. Please just come and join us, or call me (934-7734) if you have any questions.
Wit or Wisdom? Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" ~ Robin Williams “An optimist is the human personification of spring.” ~ Susan J. Bissonette “Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.” ~ William Feather “At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.” ~ Anonymous
Today in History May 18 1980 – Mt. St. Helens in Washington erupted. 60 die 1956 – Mickey Mantle hit homers from both sides of the plate in 1 game for 3rd time 1854 – State of Massachusetts ruled that all school age children must attend school 1804 – France proclaimed Napoleon Bonaparte as Emperor 1642 – The city of Montreal was founded
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so ...
Have you invited someone to join the chorus? The Sheridan Community Chorus invite new members to join at each and every rehearsal at The Sheridan United Methodist church (2679 Route 20) in Sheridan, NY. The Sheridan Community Chorus is a non-auditioned, volunteer chorus. Membership requirements are a good sense of humor, an intense love of music and the ability to carry a tune.
No auditions required...No credit check necessary...No previous experience necessary.
A Daughter’s Prayer A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
Trivia about Motherhood... There are 84 million moms in the U.S. About 4 million women will have babies this year. Mother's Day is the third-largest card-sending holiday. Mother's Day is the busiest day of the year for restaurants. August is the most popular month in which to have a baby. The odds of a woman delivering twins is 1-in-33. Her odds of having triplets is approximately 1-in-539. The median age of a woman giving birth for the first time in the U.S. is 24.8. Daughters keep in closer contact with their mothers than do sons. (Pew Research) There are more phone calls made on Mother's Day than on any other day of the year. (Pew Research) Kentucky has the highest percentage of women who are mothers at 67%. The national average is 57%. While nearly 80 percent of Americans will buy a card for mom this year, 83 percent of the cards will be purchased by daughters. (American Greetings)
Wit or Wisdom? “The phrase 'working mother’ is redundant.” ~ Jane Sellman My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
When Mom’s gone, she’s not forgotten Don't think of her as gone away, her journey's just begun. Life holds so many facets this earth is only one. Just think of her as resting, from the sorrows and the tears. In a place of warmth and comfort, where there are no days and years. Think how she must be wishing, that we could know, today. Now nothing but our sadness can really pass away. And think of her as living, in the hearts of those she touched. For nothing loved is ever lost, and she is loved so very much
Mother’s Day Trivia Perhaps the country's strongest proponent of motherhood, Anna Jarvis ironically never had children of her own. Yet that didn't stop her from making the celebration of Mother's Day her lifelong mission. In fact, as the holiday took on a life of its own, Jarvis expressed frequent dismay over its growing commercialization. “I wanted it to be a day of sentiment, not profit,” she is quoted as saying.
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
During the Mother's Day service at Sheridan United Church, our choir will sing: 'Faith of our Mothers.' We are asking all the singers to bring their children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces or 'young friends' to join the choir in this tribute to all members. The kids don't necessarily have to sing along, but we'll take any contributions by the kids (and I know that can be dangerous!).
We would love to have you join us. The song is a very simple 4 part arrangement and you could sight read it with us.
Consider this an invitation to join us as we honor all mothers.
We will rehearse the piece in the Sheridan United Methodist Church sanctuary at 10:00 am.
A Mother's creed...
"I'd like to be the ideal Mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."
We are planning to show a video before each of our patriotic concert performances titled: 'Do You Remember Me?' by Lizzie Palmer. I feel that it is a powerful tribute to our members of the armed forces who have served and are presently serving overseas.
I have included a link so you can see it. It is a U-tube link, so after a period of time, it may not work. If this happens to you when try to use this link, do a "Google search" for "Do You Remember Me?" and the search will send you to a active link.
I think you'll see why we will show this at our concerts.
Bud was experiencing a very tough time in his life. He felt his faith slipping and was desperate. He pulled out his Bible and decided to randomly open it up to get a word from God. So he flipped pages and stopped at Matthew 27:5, which says, “Judas went out and hanged himself.” He thought he'd try it again and Luke 10:37 came up, where Jesus said, “Go and do thou likewise.” So he quickly flipped to another verse and landed on John 13:27, which says, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” Now you know how Bud became a church musician.
I was just wondering… If a fly lost its wings, would it then be called a “walk?” Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?
Bud’s Bass Humor The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and mentioned it to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
Wit or Wisdom? “Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.”
~ Maurice Setter “No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.”
~Lily Tomlin “In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
~ Rita Rudner
Today in History May 4 1970 – 4 were killed in a riot at Kent State University 1942 – Food was rationed for the 1st time in the United States 1923 – New York State revoked prohibition 1626 – Native Americans sold Manhattan Island for $24 in cloth and buttons