Friday, January 30, 2009
Like everybody else, I like to make predictions before the Super Bowls. I’m no expert, I don’t know all the statistics, I don’t watch more than two football games per weekend, and I always turn off the TV each time the Buffalo Bills begin to swoon. But I probably have as good a record of predicting Super Bowl scores as anyone else I know.
We seem to be a country of “comparisons.” For example: who’s gained the most weight, who’s lost the most hair, what kind of gas mileage do you get, what area has the highest gasoline prices, and who gets the most snow. I think we are hands-down winners in the last two categories. So, I’m predicting the score of Sunday’s Super Bowl using my own “comparison technique.” I’m going to use my “comparison” technique to not only predict the final score, but the scoring of each quarter.
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number in the crowd at President Obama’s Inauguration minus the times I’ve rolled my eyes holding a snow shovel this winter = 0
Arizona Cardinals: the number of happy Buffalo Bills fans in WNY minus my IQ: = 0
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of toilet flushes during halftime of the Super Bowl minus the number of people at your Super Bowl party asking: “what’s the score?” = 3
Arizona Cardinals: the number of dollars included in the congressional “stimulus plan” minus the number of construction projects on the SUNY campus = 10
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of daily diaper changes required by the family of the California Octuplets minus the number of times I’ve shoveled this winter = 7
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner’s age (37), plus his jersey number (13), plus his weight (218), minus Ben Roethlisberger’s weight (241), minus the weight of my tuba (21) = 6
Pittsburgh Steelers: the total number of fumbles by JP Losman (34), plus the number of interceptions thrown by JP Losman (34), minus the combined age of our dogs (in dog years) = 10
Arizona Cardinals: The predicted temperature in Tampa (70) during the Super Bowl minus the inches of snow in our front yard: = 0
Final score: Pittsburgh Steelers: 20 Arizona Cardinals: 16
Go ahead; compare my prediction to any of those “experts.”
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Washer: Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale: Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred: Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be a reward.
Nice parachute: Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Monday, January 26, 2009
An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. “I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.”
The tubist: “How should I know that?”
The conductor replies, “You can count, can't you?”
The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”
What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A Treble Clef Euphonium player
Thursday, January 22, 2009
~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
After listening to the Inaugural speech of our newly elected president yesterday, I find it fascinating to compare it to some of the many Inaugural speeches of our past.
My favorite Inaugural speech came from one of my favorite founding fore-fathers ... George Washington. He made some of the shortest but powerful speeches I've ever heard (or read) from a "politician." Remember that many of the colonists clamored to make George Washington the equivalent to a "king."
The following humble words were uttered by our nation's first president following a unanimous vote in the electoral college...
"The magnitude and difficulty of the trust to which the voice of my country called me, being sufficient to awaken in the wisest and most experienced of her citizens a distrustful scrutiny into his qualifications, could not but overwhelm with despondence one who (inheriting inferior endowments from nature and unpracticed in the duties of civil administration) ought to be peculiarly conscious of his own deficiencies."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
(If you’re not sick and tired of it already)
DID YOU KNOW? US Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts (who will administer the oath of office to Barack Obama) was born in Buffalo, NY in 1955 and his father was plant manager at Bethlehem Steel?
INAUGURATION FACTOID: More security officials will be working to secure Washington DC today (Inauguration day) than the number of troops we have in Afghanistan. The Secret Service will manage a force of more than 40,000 people, including 7,500 active duty soldiers, 10,000 National Guard troops and 25,000 law-enforcement officers. There are currently 31,000 troops serving in Afghanistan.
QUOTABLE: "I think you can tell what the Administration is going to be like by what the First Lady wears." -Barbara Walters on 'The View' Monday.
AND WHAT WOULD INAUGURAL DAY BE WITHOUT A LITTLE POLITICAL HUMOR?
New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming soon!"
Reason for Leaving
Sadly, no one is safe from receiving the dreaded pink slip. Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes the question "Why did you leave your previous employment?" The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Corporations spend millions of dollars each year creating, then marketing their corporate logos in order to sell their products. During these times of financial "belt tightening," many of these popular corporate logos have had to change. Look closely, as many of the logos have very slight changes.
Here are a few of these new corporate logos...
Here are a few of these new corporate logos...
Friday, January 16, 2009
IT'S COLD!!! Here's the conditions this morning...
3°F Currently:Snow Wind: SW at 21 mph Humidity: 84%
Forecast for Tonight
More lake effect snow. Tapering off overnight. Additional accumulation 2 to 4 inches. Lows zero to 5 below. West winds 10 to 20 mph. Becoming southwest. Chance of snow 90 percent. Wind chill values as low as 25 below.
GREEN - in all its ecological variations. Goodness, people were even using it as a verb, as in, "We need to think about greening our office." [I even heard one television show where employment in an environmental industry was referred to as "green collar jobs." I kid you not. -- MR]
MAVERICK - Totally overused in the last election. A five-year ban is suggested so it cannot be used in the next presidential campaign.
BAILOUT - Use of emergency funds to purchase toxic assets from the banks is not a bailout. When your cousin calls you in the middle of the night from his local jail, *that's* a bailout.
ICON or ICONIC - It has become the new "awesome." Can't we use legendary or "famous for..."? It seems that everyone and everything in the entertainment industry is now "iconic" in one way or another. Too much!
STAYCATION - Coined for those who choose to stay home during their summer vacation instead of paying the high price of gas for travel. It's a word whose appearance in our lexicon should be brief, indeed.
[selected from the annual awards given out by Lake Superior State University w/additional commentary by Mark Raymond]
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'
6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
[forwarded by Amelia Lanning]
Monday, January 12, 2009
A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write “toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"
In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:
I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."