A kiss...

"It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you."

Bikinis & Statistics...

"Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."

~ Aaron Levenstein

Marriage advice

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE!!!

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always.'

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'


Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun....

And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless.'

"Punctuation - #101"

The Importance of Correct Punctuation
Here are 2 "Dear John" letters.
With a few changes in punctuation, the meaning is completely different.
"The second letter is very much like the ones I have received many times!)
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

Male and female brains...the true difference

Here's a truly hillarious video by Mark Gungor.
It's 5:27 and the title is 'male and female brains' from: 'Tale of Two Brains.'
I LOVED IT!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P77JnDHUw6g

"Hot air"

A handwritten sign under a hair dryer at a local business...

"Please push button and wait for a message from our C.E.O."

I was just wondering...

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Today's Wisdom

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up.


[This is my goal not my habbit.]

Football is bad...

"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings."

~ George F. Will

Teaching a two-year-old

The two-year-old toddler scared everyone one summer by disappearing during a lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when they found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay, Disney World."

I'll do anything!

A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything."

His voice softens, "Anything?"
"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper... "Would you ... study?"

"Technology"

"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
-- Robert Orben




"Life is an unbroken succession of false situations."
-- Thornton Wilder




"Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."

Saving the Big Three...

TAKING ADVICE...
The U.S. auto industry taking advice from the U.S. Congress in order to make a profit...











is kinda like professional football taking advice from the Detroit Lions in order to win.

My paranoia

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this article to at least 144,000 people in the next 63 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

[Thanks to Darrel Mitchel]

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY

"The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments."
~ George Washington



"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
~ Abraham Lincoln

Perks of old age...

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MEMBER OF THE AARP GENERATION...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the "hard way."

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[Thanks to Mikey's Funnies]

Never drag your husband shopping...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least ...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. “Tell me
Doc, how is he?”
The doctor replied, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The
good news is he’s going to live. The bad news is we’re pretty sure
he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Just rearrange the letters...

"Scrabble the letters in the words"

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER