My paranoia

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this article to at least 144,000 people in the next 63 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

[Thanks to Darrel Mitchel]

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY

"The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments."
~ George Washington



"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
~ Abraham Lincoln

Perks of old age...

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MEMBER OF THE AARP GENERATION...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the "hard way."

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[Thanks to Mikey's Funnies]

Never drag your husband shopping...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least ...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. “Tell me
Doc, how is he?”
The doctor replied, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The
good news is he’s going to live. The bad news is we’re pretty sure
he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Just rearrange the letters...

"Scrabble the letters in the words"

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Today's Wisdom...

"Sometimes our inner light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being.
Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."

~ Albert Schweitzer

Top 15 ways to acquire a wife...

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE [Check your Bibles!]

~ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

~ Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

~ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

~ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

~ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

~ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)

~ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

~ Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27)

~ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis 4:16-17)

~ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

~ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson--Judges 14:1-3)

~ Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
(David--2 Samuel 11)

~ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

~ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon--1 Kings 11:1-3)

~ A wife?...NOT? (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


[Thanks to Mikey's funnies]

Prisoner's 'Early Release' program...

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes, but upon arrival at the correctional facility, he told the warden he wasn't at all worried about his future. He knew he wouldn't have to serve the full term of his penalty.
"Why's that, Jimmy?" the warden asked. "Sure of your appeal, are you?"
"No, sir." Jimmy replied.
"Already making plans to escape, then?"
"Not a one, Warden."
"Then why are you so sure you'll be out of here before your time is up?"
"Well, Warden," says Jimmy, "it's like this. In the entire time I've been married, my wife has yet to let me finish a sentence!"

[Pastor Tim's Clean Laughs; additional material by Mark Raymond]

'Bubba Wireless Security System"

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

Female financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Erie County (music educators) Wind Ensemble Concert

Sunday, February 8, 2009 at 7:00 pm at St. Francis of Assisi church (150 Broad Street) in the city of Tonawanda, NY. It's only a few minutes off the I-290.

The Erie County Wind Ensemble is a group of professional musicians from the WNY area under the direction of John Maguda. Many of the performers in the ensemble teach in area public and private schools.
This is a very talented group and is performing many exciting pieces.
And of course, has a great tuba section.

EVEN MOSES BROKE THE 10 COMMANDMENTS!

How bad is our weather?

You can't deny we've had a tough winter. Shoveling the sidewalk 4 times in a day, snowblowing 3 times in one day, my poor golden retriever up to his neck in snow in the back yard are the undeniable conditions here in western New York.

But Betty sent me pictures of the wintry conditions in Canada.


I guess it's all relative.

Alabama football player

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays and went to a party, where he met a pretty co-ed.

He attempted to start up a conversation with her by asking, "So where do y'all go ta'school?"

The girl was not impressed with either his grammar or his southern drawl, but politely answered, "Yale."

The football player took a deep breath and shouted, "SO WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TA'SCHOOL??!"

My Super Bowl XLIII prediction...

Like everybody else, I like to make predictions before the Super Bowls. I’m no expert, I don’t know all the statistics, I don’t watch more than two football games per weekend, and I always turn off the TV each time the Buffalo Bills begin to swoon. But I probably have as good a record of predicting Super Bowl scores as anyone else I know.

We seem to be a country of “comparisons.” For example: who’s gained the most weight, who’s lost the most hair, what kind of gas mileage do you get, what area has the highest gasoline prices, and who gets the most snow. I think we are hands-down winners in the last two categories. So, I’m predicting the score of Sunday’s Super Bowl using my own “comparison technique.” I’m going to use my “comparison” technique to not only predict the final score, but the scoring of each quarter.

Here goes:
1st quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number in the crowd at President Obama’s Inauguration minus the times I’ve rolled my eyes holding a snow shovel this winter = 0
Arizona Cardinals: the number of happy Buffalo Bills fans in WNY minus my IQ: = 0
Second quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of toilet flushes during halftime of the Super Bowl minus the number of people at your Super Bowl party asking: “what’s the score?” = 3
Arizona Cardinals: the number of dollars included in the congressional “stimulus plan” minus the number of construction projects on the SUNY campus = 10
Third quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of daily diaper changes required by the family of the California Octuplets minus the number of times I’ve shoveled this winter = 7
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner’s age (37), plus his jersey number (13), plus his weight (218), minus Ben Roethlisberger’s weight (241), minus the weight of my tuba (21) = 6
Fourth quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the total number of fumbles by JP Losman (34), plus the number of interceptions thrown by JP Losman (34), minus the combined age of our dogs (in dog years) = 10
Arizona Cardinals: The predicted temperature in Tampa (70) during the Super Bowl minus the inches of snow in our front yard: = 0

Final score: Pittsburgh Steelers: 20 Arizona Cardinals: 16

Go ahead; compare my prediction to any of those “experts.”


Bud
716.934.7734
www.frombudsworld.blogspot.com
tubamanbud@gmail.com

Just wondering...

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are still missing.

Actual newspaper want ads listed with a sense of humor…

Washer: Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale: Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred: Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.

Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be a reward.

Nice parachute: Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Tuba & baritone jokes...

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. “I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.”
The tubist: “How should I know that?”
The conductor replies, “You can count, can't you?”
The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”


What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A Treble Clef Euphonium player