An old farmer's wisdom...

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Humble Inaugural speech...

After listening to the Inaugural speech of our newly elected president yesterday, I find it fascinating to compare it to some of the many Inaugural speeches of our past.

My favorite Inaugural speech came from one of my favorite founding fore-fathers ... George Washington. He made some of the shortest but powerful speeches I've ever heard (or read) from a "politician." Remember that many of the colonists clamored to make George Washington the equivalent to a "king."

The following humble words were uttered by our nation's first president following a unanimous vote in the electoral college...

"The magnitude and difficulty of the trust to which the voice of my country called me, being sufficient to awaken in the wisest and most experienced of her citizens a distrustful scrutiny into his qualifications, could not but overwhelm with despondence one who (inheriting inferior endowments from nature and unpracticed in the duties of civil administration) ought to be peculiarly conscious of his own deficiencies."

Inauguration Day from Bud's view...

(If you’re not sick and tired of it already)

DID YOU KNOW? US Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts (who will administer the oath of office to Barack Obama) was born in Buffalo, NY in 1955 and his father was plant manager at Bethlehem Steel?

INAUGURATION FACTOID: More security officials will be working to secure Washington DC today (Inauguration day) than the number of troops we have in Afghanistan. The Secret Service will manage a force of more than 40,000 people, including 7,500 active duty soldiers, 10,000 National Guard troops and 25,000 law-enforcement officers. There are currently 31,000 troops serving in Afghanistan.

QUOTABLE: "I think you can tell what the Administration is going to be like by what the First Lady wears." -Barbara Walters on 'The View' Monday.


AND WHAT WOULD INAUGURAL DAY BE WITHOUT A LITTLE POLITICAL HUMOR?
New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming soon!"

Reason for Leaving
Sadly, no one is safe from receiving the dreaded pink slip. Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes the question "Why did you leave your previous employment?" The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

Definition of middle age...

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

~ Joan Rivers

New corporate logos for tough times

Corporations spend millions of dollars each year creating, then marketing their corporate logos in order to sell their products. During these times of financial "belt tightening," many of these popular corporate logos have had to change. Look closely, as many of the logos have very slight changes.

Here are a few of these new corporate logos...

Looking for global warming in upstate New York

IT'S COLD!!! Here's the conditions this morning...
3°F Currently:Snow Wind: SW at 21 mph Humidity: 84%

Forecast for Tonight
More lake effect snow. Tapering off overnight. Additional accumulation 2 to 4 inches. Lows zero to 5 below. West winds 10 to 20 mph. Becoming southwest. Chance of snow 90 percent. Wind chill values as low as 25 below.

2008 Words and Phrases that should be banned in 2009

GREEN - in all its ecological variations. Goodness, people were even using it as a verb, as in, "We need to think about greening our office." [I even heard one television show where employment in an environmental industry was referred to as "green collar jobs." I kid you not. -- MR]

MAVERICK - Totally overused in the last election. A five-year ban is suggested so it cannot be used in the next presidential campaign.

BAILOUT - Use of emergency funds to purchase toxic assets from the banks is not a bailout. When your cousin calls you in the middle of the night from his local jail, *that's* a bailout.

ICON or ICONIC - It has become the new "awesome." Can't we use legendary or "famous for..."? It seems that everyone and everything in the entertainment industry is now "iconic" in one way or another. Too much!

STAYCATION - Coined for those who choose to stay home during their summer vacation instead of paying the high price of gas for travel. It's a word whose appearance in our lexicon should be brief, indeed.


[selected from the annual awards given out by Lake Superior State University w/additional commentary by Mark Raymond]

"Driver's license & registration, please!"

These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'

6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[forwarded by Amelia Lanning]

Where's the "B.C.?"

A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write “toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"

In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:

Dear Madam,

I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager

Attorneys in action...

These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts.'
They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

[Thanks to Betty V.]

The wisdom of Victor Borge

"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."

"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible ... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary."

"If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward. The rest goes to the government."

"When an opera star sings her head off ... she usually improves her appearance."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married, but his wife wasn't."

"I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it."

"I don't mind Daylight Saving Time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."

"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."

"Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. Because, you see, humor is truth."


Victor Borge was a Danish-American humorist, entertainer and
pianist, affectionately known as the 'Clown Prince of Denmark.' When the Nazis occupied Denmark during World War II, Borge was playing a concert in Sweden, and managed to escape to Finland. He traveled to America on the USS American Legion, the last passenger ship that made it out of Europe prior to the war, and arrived August 28, 1940 with only 20 dollars, three of which went to the customs fee. Disguised as a sailor, Borge returned to Denmark once during the occupation to visit his dying mother. In 1993 Victor Borge received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Victor Borge passed away in December of 2000.



[taken from web sites all over the 'Net by Mark Raymond]