Top 15 ways to acquire a wife...

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE [Check your Bibles!]

~ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

~ Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

~ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

~ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

~ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

~ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)

~ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

~ Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27)

~ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis 4:16-17)

~ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

~ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson--Judges 14:1-3)

~ Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
(David--2 Samuel 11)

~ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

~ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon--1 Kings 11:1-3)

~ A wife?...NOT? (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


[Thanks to Mikey's funnies]

Prisoner's 'Early Release' program...

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes, but upon arrival at the correctional facility, he told the warden he wasn't at all worried about his future. He knew he wouldn't have to serve the full term of his penalty.
"Why's that, Jimmy?" the warden asked. "Sure of your appeal, are you?"
"No, sir." Jimmy replied.
"Already making plans to escape, then?"
"Not a one, Warden."
"Then why are you so sure you'll be out of here before your time is up?"
"Well, Warden," says Jimmy, "it's like this. In the entire time I've been married, my wife has yet to let me finish a sentence!"

[Pastor Tim's Clean Laughs; additional material by Mark Raymond]

'Bubba Wireless Security System"

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

Female financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Erie County (music educators) Wind Ensemble Concert

Sunday, February 8, 2009 at 7:00 pm at St. Francis of Assisi church (150 Broad Street) in the city of Tonawanda, NY. It's only a few minutes off the I-290.

The Erie County Wind Ensemble is a group of professional musicians from the WNY area under the direction of John Maguda. Many of the performers in the ensemble teach in area public and private schools.
This is a very talented group and is performing many exciting pieces.
And of course, has a great tuba section.

EVEN MOSES BROKE THE 10 COMMANDMENTS!

How bad is our weather?

You can't deny we've had a tough winter. Shoveling the sidewalk 4 times in a day, snowblowing 3 times in one day, my poor golden retriever up to his neck in snow in the back yard are the undeniable conditions here in western New York.

But Betty sent me pictures of the wintry conditions in Canada.


I guess it's all relative.

Alabama football player

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays and went to a party, where he met a pretty co-ed.

He attempted to start up a conversation with her by asking, "So where do y'all go ta'school?"

The girl was not impressed with either his grammar or his southern drawl, but politely answered, "Yale."

The football player took a deep breath and shouted, "SO WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TA'SCHOOL??!"

My Super Bowl XLIII prediction...

Like everybody else, I like to make predictions before the Super Bowls. I’m no expert, I don’t know all the statistics, I don’t watch more than two football games per weekend, and I always turn off the TV each time the Buffalo Bills begin to swoon. But I probably have as good a record of predicting Super Bowl scores as anyone else I know.

We seem to be a country of “comparisons.” For example: who’s gained the most weight, who’s lost the most hair, what kind of gas mileage do you get, what area has the highest gasoline prices, and who gets the most snow. I think we are hands-down winners in the last two categories. So, I’m predicting the score of Sunday’s Super Bowl using my own “comparison technique.” I’m going to use my “comparison” technique to not only predict the final score, but the scoring of each quarter.

Here goes:
1st quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number in the crowd at President Obama’s Inauguration minus the times I’ve rolled my eyes holding a snow shovel this winter = 0
Arizona Cardinals: the number of happy Buffalo Bills fans in WNY minus my IQ: = 0
Second quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of toilet flushes during halftime of the Super Bowl minus the number of people at your Super Bowl party asking: “what’s the score?” = 3
Arizona Cardinals: the number of dollars included in the congressional “stimulus plan” minus the number of construction projects on the SUNY campus = 10
Third quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the number of daily diaper changes required by the family of the California Octuplets minus the number of times I’ve shoveled this winter = 7
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner’s age (37), plus his jersey number (13), plus his weight (218), minus Ben Roethlisberger’s weight (241), minus the weight of my tuba (21) = 6
Fourth quarter:
Pittsburgh Steelers: the total number of fumbles by JP Losman (34), plus the number of interceptions thrown by JP Losman (34), minus the combined age of our dogs (in dog years) = 10
Arizona Cardinals: The predicted temperature in Tampa (70) during the Super Bowl minus the inches of snow in our front yard: = 0

Final score: Pittsburgh Steelers: 20 Arizona Cardinals: 16

Go ahead; compare my prediction to any of those “experts.”


Bud
716.934.7734
www.frombudsworld.blogspot.com
tubamanbud@gmail.com

Just wondering...

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are still missing.

Actual newspaper want ads listed with a sense of humor…

Washer: Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale: Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred: Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.

Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be a reward.

Nice parachute: Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Tuba & baritone jokes...

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. “I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.”
The tubist: “How should I know that?”
The conductor replies, “You can count, can't you?”
The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”


What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A Treble Clef Euphonium player

An old farmer's wisdom...

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Humble Inaugural speech...

After listening to the Inaugural speech of our newly elected president yesterday, I find it fascinating to compare it to some of the many Inaugural speeches of our past.

My favorite Inaugural speech came from one of my favorite founding fore-fathers ... George Washington. He made some of the shortest but powerful speeches I've ever heard (or read) from a "politician." Remember that many of the colonists clamored to make George Washington the equivalent to a "king."

The following humble words were uttered by our nation's first president following a unanimous vote in the electoral college...

"The magnitude and difficulty of the trust to which the voice of my country called me, being sufficient to awaken in the wisest and most experienced of her citizens a distrustful scrutiny into his qualifications, could not but overwhelm with despondence one who (inheriting inferior endowments from nature and unpracticed in the duties of civil administration) ought to be peculiarly conscious of his own deficiencies."

Inauguration Day from Bud's view...

(If you’re not sick and tired of it already)

DID YOU KNOW? US Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts (who will administer the oath of office to Barack Obama) was born in Buffalo, NY in 1955 and his father was plant manager at Bethlehem Steel?

INAUGURATION FACTOID: More security officials will be working to secure Washington DC today (Inauguration day) than the number of troops we have in Afghanistan. The Secret Service will manage a force of more than 40,000 people, including 7,500 active duty soldiers, 10,000 National Guard troops and 25,000 law-enforcement officers. There are currently 31,000 troops serving in Afghanistan.

QUOTABLE: "I think you can tell what the Administration is going to be like by what the First Lady wears." -Barbara Walters on 'The View' Monday.


AND WHAT WOULD INAUGURAL DAY BE WITHOUT A LITTLE POLITICAL HUMOR?
New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming soon!"

Reason for Leaving
Sadly, no one is safe from receiving the dreaded pink slip. Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes the question "Why did you leave your previous employment?" The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

Definition of middle age...

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

~ Joan Rivers

New corporate logos for tough times

Corporations spend millions of dollars each year creating, then marketing their corporate logos in order to sell their products. During these times of financial "belt tightening," many of these popular corporate logos have had to change. Look closely, as many of the logos have very slight changes.

Here are a few of these new corporate logos...