Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

How do you want to be remembered?

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Willowfest (6/26 - 6/27) Sheridan, NY

Willowfest -
Friday, June 26 from 4pm - 12 midnight
Saturday, June 27 from 12pm - 12am
[FROM THE WILLOWCREEK WINERY WEB PAGE]

It’s that time of year again, time for Willowfest, Friday June 26, and Saturday June 27.

There is something for everyone at Willowfest this year. There will be over 30 different crafters, including stained glass and jewelry from the Creation Station, hand crafted wine bottled covers by Bottle Boutique, purses and caps by Purses by Danniel and hot sauces, salsa, BBQ sauce and rubs by Burning Asphalt.

No coolers please. There are plenty of choices for eats and drinks at Willowfest so please help us keep this event FREE! There is something for each and every taste bud – Taylor’s offers Ice cream, brownies, fried dough and pastries, Louie’s has hot dogs, Franklin’s will have corn on the cob, kettle corn, cotton candy and caramel apples, Fowlers will have candy apples and taffy, Jim’s will have blooming onions, Ross’s will have Italian sausage, hamburgers and Philly cheesesteaks, among many, many more.

Music will fill the air all weekend at Willowfest. There will be a DJ from 3pm – 5pm on Friday night, followed by Crash Cadillac, taking the stage from 5pm – 9pm. The following day, there will a DJ from noon – 2pm, Elvis impersonator Terry Buchwald from 2pm – 4pm, Free Henry from 4:30 – 7, then Sheridan Community Choir will finish off the night from 8:00 -9:00 pm.
No shortage of events at Willowfest either! A fireman’s hose race will be held Friday night at 6pm, and there will be amusement park style rides and games as well all weekend, with a ride special on Saturday from noon until 4pm. There will also be fireworks both nights starting at dusk!

Admission and parking for Willowfest are free! It’s recommended to arrive by 7pm because it fills up fast and after 7pm it will be harder to find parking and get into the festival.

True male friendship...

Are you tired of those Sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, let's try this my way...just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.


5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again...I don't want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you trip and fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off--After I laugh my head off!

This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask...because you are my FRIEND!
[thanks to by Kevin Miller]

Easter

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live,
How to put others first,
How to love and how to give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above,
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His, is just a rest.
We'll be forever with Him
In heaven, where life is best.

So we live our lives for Jesus,
Think of Him in all we do.
Thank you Savior; Thank you Lord.
Help us love like you!

By Joanna Fuchs

Good Friday...

Imagine you're on a bus riding down from the top of the mountains out west on a very narrow barely-big-enough-for-your-vehicle winding road. You're in the back with all of your friends ... reading, laughing, making calls, texting, talking, having a great time.

Suddenly you see - from seemingly out of nowhere - a small boy start to dart across the road, directly in the path of the bus.

The bus driver has three choices. He can veer to the right, careening into the side of the mountain, killing you and all of your fellow passengers, but saving the life of the child. Or he can swerve sharply to the left and plunge off the edge of the road, bringing instant death for everyone on the bus but again, saving the boy. Or he can do the unthinkable and run the child down, but save the life of everyone on the bus.

As the bus driver slams on the brakes, you can feel the small body crumpled by the weight of the massive bus. As the dust clears and the smell of scorched rubber fills the air, the bus driver sits in tears. You approach him and try to offer some small comfort. "Don't cry," you say. "You're a hero. I have a wife and two kids. We all have families. You've saved us all!"

The bus driver turns to you and whispers, "You don't understand. That boy was my son."
God is the bus driver. And that's the choice He made. The one we commemorate this day, Good Friday.

The definition of 'Motherhood'

Christian author and speaker Tony Campolo tells a story from the days when his wife, Peggy, was at home full-time with their children.

When someone would ask, "And what is it that you do, dear?"

Peggy would reply, "I am socializing two homo sapiens into the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be instruments for the transformation of the social order into the kind of eschatological utopia that God willed from the beginning of creation."

Then Peggy would ask the other person, "And what do you do?"

Just my luck...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...


Got a freaking' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..

Marital Bliss...

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

Kid Humor #101

When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

Jewish Marching Band

NEW HOLIDAY SUGGESTIONS...

MY SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW FEDERAL HOLIDAYS

January 2 – NATIONAL ‘RETURN TO EATING JUNK FOOD’ DAY

February 3 – NATIONAL ‘GROUNDHOG STEW’ DAY

February 15 – NATIONAL ‘EATING CROW DAY’ (CELEBRATED MOSTLY BY FORGETFUL MEN)

March 18 – NATIONAL ‘TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR FRENCH HORN BELL’ DAY

April 13 –NATIONAL ‘HIDE YOUR CONDUCTOR’S BATON’ DAY

June 17 – NATIONAL ‘SEE IF A FLUTE FLOATS’ DAY

June 18 – NATIONAL ‘SUPER GLUE A TROMBONE SLIDE’ DAY

August 11 - NATIONAL 'CUT DRUM STICKS IN HALF' DAY

September 5 – NATIONAL ‘BREAK A CLARINET REED’ DAY

November 1 – NATIONAL ‘SWITCH THE VALVES ON A TRUMPET’ DAY

November 27 – NATIONAL ‘HIDE A SAXOPHONE’ DAY

December 13 – NATIONAL ‘LOOSEN THE STRINGS ON A VIOLIN’ DAY

Dec 24 – NATIONAL ‘HUG A TUBA PLAYER’ DAY

Happy April Fool’s Day…Bud

TEE SHIRT SLOGANS

I'm on Debt Row.




My Search Engine ran out of gas.




Figment of my own imagination.





Denial is a good thing if used correctly.




I do all of my own stunts.




This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 6.0 or higher.




Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.





We got rid of the kids - the cat was allergic.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?’

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.


They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'





Jennifer Lopez followed with a big smile and said ‘It is true, it’s been confirmed that I’m the sexiest of them all!’









Brad Pitt walked in last looking baffled and said ‘Who the heck is Bud Lowery?’

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

~ Anthony Burgess

Shopping Remote...

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."

Family vacation:

" A 'FAMILY VACATION' provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind."

~ Dave Barry

Because I am a Man...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the blazes could he know where we're going anyway?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Today's joke...

Q: What happens if you play 'blues' music backwards?

A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

SHERIDAN COMMUNITY CHORUS...

Have you gotten back to me yet as to whether you can join our chorus for the patriotic presentation on Saturday, June 28 and Sunday, July 12th?

Please call or email me.

2 Irishmen in a pub...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY FROM Bud O'Lowry