Broken down clarinetist...

The cute blonde clarinetist had a flat tire on the interstate, so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. She took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing on-coming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To her surprise, cars started slowing down to look at her life-like men, which made it safer for her to work at the side of the road.

And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards our gifted clarinetist. Sher could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What's going on here lady?!!!!!”

“My car has a flat tire,” She said calmly.

“Well, what the h---- are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

She couldn't believe that he didn't know. So the clarinetist told him, “Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.”

And you thought your director was tough...

“Play the gayest tunes in your books, play them loud and keep on playing them, and never mind if a bullet goes through a trombone, or even a trombonist, now and then.”
~By General Phillip Sheridan during the Civil War upon ordering his band to go to the front of the battle line to play

My job History...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work way just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!

Thought for the day...

Where am I going and why am I carrying this tuba?

Band Terminology

Cut Time: The sudden realization that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

Accelerando: What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.

Accidentals: The wrong notes.

Fermata: A chance for the conductor to catch their breath while attempting to make the tuba player pass out.

Key Change: A change in the tonal center of a piece that takes place 3-5 measures after it is written in the music.

Tempo Change: Signal for musicians to ignore the conductor.

Trumpet Player: A person who thinks that every note has 8va written above it.

Trombone: A device that has the same pitch as the baritone, except that it is played with a slide, so it is easier to forget the positions.

Tuba: A compound word; "Hey woman, fetch me another tuba Preparation-H!"

Woodwinds: Proof that God has a sense of humor.

Tuba Suspense

The Wagner tuba is a comparatively rare brass instrument that combines elements of both the horn and the tuba. It was originally created for Richard Wagner's operatic cycle Der Ring des Nibelungen. Since then, other composers have written for it, most notably Anton Bruckner, in whose Symphony No. 7 a quartet of them is first heard in the slow movement in memory of Wagner. The euphonium is sometimes used as a substitute when a Wagner tuba cannot be obtained.

The instrument is built with rotary valves which, like those on the horn, are played with the left hand.

The Wagner tuba nominally exists in two sizes, tenor in B-flat and bass in F, with ranges comparable to those of horns in the same pitches while being less adept at the highest notes. Several 20th-century and later manufacturers have, however, combined the two instruments into a double Wagner tuba in B-flat and F. Wagner tubas are normally written as transposing instruments, but the notation used varies considerably and is a common source of confusion—Wagner himself used three different and incompatible notations in the course of the Ring, and all three of these systems (plus some others) have been used by subsequent composers. An additional source of confusion is the fact that the instruments are invariably designated in orchestral scores simply as "tubas", leaving it sometimes unclear as to whether true tubas or Wagner tubas are intended (for example, the two tenor tubas in Janáček's Sinfonietta are sometimes wrongly assumed to be Wagner tubas).

The annoying neighbor...

Here's a Nissan commercial for all of you who have that annoying neighbor who always gets a better deal than you did!

A professional musician is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.

"I'm sorry," the poor guy answers, "I am a professional musician, so I have no money and no life."

SWINE FLU PRECAUTIONS...

Because of the SWINE FLU, we're taking special precautions at our house.

We encourage you do the same.

Stairway to better fitness...

A musical incentive to use the stairs. Even I would use the stairs, even though it might be a "glissando!"

Change you must believe in...

As you get older, things change... especially after a beef burrito.

Great rehearsal last night...

I thoroughly enjoyed the Erie County Wind Ensemble rehearsal last night at the Kenmore West High School.

Good attendance, good music, surrounded by powerful musicians and a very talented conductor. We're rehearsing for our concert on Tuesday, November 10, 2009 at Niagara Wheatfield High School in Wheatfield (Saunders Settlement Road).

These late-night rehearsals with a long ride home call for many cups of coffee the next day.

Tuba - Euphonium Conference...

This is a heads up for 27th Annual Tuba-Euphonium Conference

January 27-30, 2010. The location is at Brucker Hall on Fort Meyer in Arlington, VA. Its run by the Army and is free. You just need to find a place to stay and cover your own meals. The 2010 Brochure is not posted yet but as soon as I see it, I'll notify you.

[Thanks to Ken Foster for the heads-up]

Hard-working politicians...

Connecticut House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues, Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget. (AP)

The guy sitting in the row in front of these two... he's on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores. These are the folks that couldn't get the budget out by Oct. 1, Seriously!!!

Tapping in the cemetery...

My brother and I were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, we were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, we found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," I said, after catching my breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Try being a tuba player...

By Andrew McGinn, Staff Writer
5:00 PM Friday, October 16, 2009
SPRINGFIELD — If you think being blue collar during a recession is tough, try wearing a starched white collar.

Even during good times, classical musicians are about as crazy-desperate for work as Berlioz looking for an opium fix.

“We had 31 applicants and we had inquiries from Spain and Japan,” said Peter Stafford Wilson, music director of the Springfield Symphony Orchestra.

Make that 31 applicants for one lonely tuba opening.

The symphony opened its 2009-10 season on Oct. 3 with a new principal tuba player (plus a new principal trombonist), but how it got there is one for the story books.

“There’s only one tuba in an orchestra,” Wilson explained recently, “and when those chairs come open, it’s a rarity.”

So musicians go where the work is — apparently even if it means crossing an ocean.

“They train all their lives to play this classical music, and they don’t get the opportunity to do it nearly enough,” said David Deitrick, the symphony’s executive director.

Still, that’s one heck of a commute for a part-time job.

The SSO isn’t a full-time job — and if it was, Mozart would need to make room in his pauper’s grave for the musicians.

“If they played every service,” Wilson said, “they’d still make less than $3,000.”

Even after the SSO explained that to them, plus informed the overseas applicants that it wouldn’t help with securing visas, they were still interested in auditioning.

“Are these people for real?” Wilson said. “Do they know what they’re getting into?

“You’re flattered to a point, then you think, ‘Wait a minute.’ ”

The SSO ended up auditioning only five regional candidates in September.

Out of those, Thomas Ricer, a Cincinnati native who’s finishing his doctorate at the Eastman School of Music in Rochester, N.Y., was selected as the new principal (well, only) tubist.

What’s even more bizarre about the whole thing is that the SSO only mentioned the opening on its own Web site and on a tuba blog.

“It’s a testimony to the way the Internet is getting the word out,” Wilson said.

It’s also a testimony to the growing reputation of the Springfield Symphony Orchestra.

“Sometimes we don’t always appreciate fully what a great thing we have,” Deitrick said. “It’s nice to see that people around the country do appreciate it.”

Two years ago, the SSO advertised nationally for the first time when it had several principal chair openings.

For the principal flute opening alone, 18 flute players from all over (California, Florida, Boston) showed up to audition.

“They were all saying, ‘This orchestra has a good reputation. It’s worth it for me to come here and lose money for a couple of years,’ ” Wilson said. “I’d like to build a little more stability here.”

Still ...

“It’s quite humbling for us,” he said.

The Bombardon...

The bombardon was the very first bass wind instrument fitted with valves, and it was at first known as the corno basso, clavicor or bass horn (not to be confounded with the bass horn with keys, which on being perfected became the ophicleide). The name was attached more to the position of the wind instruments as bass than to the individual instrument. The original corno basso was a brass instrument of narrow bore with the pistons set horizontally. The valve-ophicleide in F of German make had a wider bore and three vertical pistons, but it was only a "half instrument," measuring about 12 ft. A. Kalkbrenner, in his life of W. Wieprecht (1882), states that in the Jager military bands of Prussia the corno basso (keyed bass horn) was introduced as bass in 1829, and the bombardon (or valve-ophicleide) in 1831; in the Guards these instruments were superseded in 1835 by the bass tuba invented by Wieprecht and J. G. Moritz.

T.U.B.A.

History of the Tubists Universal Brotherhood Association
by Carter I. Leeka

Tubists Universal Brotherhood Association, though relatively new as a named organization, had its beginnings in New York City in the 1930s, when William Bell joined the NBC Symphony. In an interview with Harvey Phillips, he traced these early years for the author. Phillips stated that with such a great tubist and teacher in their presence, it was only natural for other tubists, both professional and student, to be attracted to Mr. Bell. They met informally at McSorley's Old Ale House, in Manhattan, for beer, food and friendship. Because Mr. Bell was not always available, these meetings were very irregular; sometimes twice a week or more, sometimes not for several weeks at a time.

Seated at a large, round table, the discussions concerned the tuba and how to improve its playing. At the table everyone was an equal, a part of the group. A sense of camaraderie prevailed, where all were no longer teacher or student, but people who had an interest in the tuba.

It was suggested by some members that the group should devise an official name. After much discussion around the table, Mr. Bell rumbled that they should call it the “Royal Order of ----pots” [expletive deleted]. And thus it became, complete with membership cards.1

From the ale house meetings, until his death in August of 1971, Mr. Bell is considered by Mr. Phillips to have been a major force in the organizing of tubists. His death created a tremendous void in the tuba world.2

In 1966, Robert Ryker, principal tubist with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra, the Montreal Brass Quintet, and editor of the Montreal Brass Quintet Series, sent notice to several music publications announcing an attempt to organize an official organization of tubists. He called it the Tubists Universal Brotherhood Association or T.U.B.A. for short. The Conn and Mirafone companies contributed money towards the expenses that would be incurred in mailings and printings. Three tubists were made honorary members of T.U.B.A.: William Bell, Arnold Jacobs and Harvey Phillips.

ophicleide

The immediate ancestor of the modern-day tuba...the "ophicleide." [Gr.,=serpent with keys], brass wind musical instrument of relatively wide conical bore, largest of the keyed bugles ; invented in 1817 by Jean-Hilaire Asté of Paris. It had from 8 to 11 keys and a full, loud tone; since its intonation was deficient, however, it was soon displaced in the orchestra by the bass tuba. Many composers scored for it before the tuba was available.






[Now you can see why they called it the 'serpent.']

History of the tuba...

The 'TUBA' is one of the most recent additions to the modern day brass family.
Prussian Patent No. 19 was granted to Wilhelm Friedrich Wieprecht and Carl Moritz on September 12, 1835 for a "basstuba."