Friday, December 26, 2008

Financial woes at the North Pole


The recent announcement that Donder and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues as well as the box stores have diminished Santa's market share and Santa could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model hybrid Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

We are pleased to announce that Rudolph's role will not be changed. Tradition is very important at the North Pole. But the following changes are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas Division...'

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop we thought it would be. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. Since the election of the new French president, the French products seem to be on the rebound with those on our U.S. list.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talk.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Elves. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.

As you can imagine, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce saving which will drop down the bottom line.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

More cuts/layoffs may be announced previous to Santa's appearance before the U.S. Congress. We are offering a new line of Santa's North Pole consumer products. They are of the finest quality and are mostly manufactured at the North Pole.

[credit willoughbyontheweb] & Bud

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

can you email me: mcbratz-girl@hotmail.co.uk, i have some question wanna ask you.thanks