2008 in review...

Do you remember these names and images from 2008?
(in no particular order of prominence...)






Jennifer Stuczynski: We're very proud of this pole vaulting silver medalist of the summer olympics native of Fredonia, NY.



















Barrack Obama: Who really thought he would win? Did he really bowl a 37?







Mitt Romney: Alright already! I know what a Mormon is!!!!







Rudy Giuliani: Who runs for President, but only campaigns in Florida unless you're running for President of AARP?







John McCain: I'm still not convinced he really wanted to win.







Mike Huckabee: This former pastor/guitar player lasted longer than anyone thought he would. Like the 'Energizer Bunny,' he just wouldn't quit!









Hillary Clinton: (is she still a state senator?) Is she on "paid leave" from her NY Senate seat?








Fannie Mae: Sounds like a new musical opening on Broadway.






Freddie Mac: Did you hear McDonald's is going to offer a new 'FreddieMacBurger? It used to have a 1/4 lb. of beef...now it only contains a pickle.






Eliot Spitzer: (where's he been hiding?)








Jeremiah Wright: "God Bless America!" Does anyone listen to the sermon?






Plaxico Burress: Never carry a loaded handgun in your pants!






Al Franken: SNL characters really love politics! He may end up being a US Senator. They're still counting the votes!






Tony Rezko: Not everyone will remember this guy!






iPhone: I could never afford one!








Joe Biden: (is he from Pennsylvania or Delaware?)






Sarah Palin: My brother lives in Anchorage, Alaska. They love her up there!








Michael Phelps: Who is Mark Spitz?







2008 Beijing Summer Olympics: Did you watch any TV coverage of the Olympics? I tried to watch Jennifer or table tennis (Yes, I'm a ping-pong nerd!) I couldn't find Jennifer or ping-pong coverage. But I did watch the exciting synchronized swimming and gymnastics coverage (YAWN!).

















Tina Fey: Is her name Tina Fey or Sarah Palin?







O.J. Simpson: As Buffalo Bills fans, we remember him as #32...I guess he's got a different number now!







$4.00/Gallon: "What goes up...must come down!"

Video '2008 Year in Review'

This is a great video of the year 2008 year in review.
It's called Uncle Jay explains...








http://www.unclejayexplains.com/media/UJ%2012-22-08.wmv

Prayer of negotiation

Don't Go Too Far

Two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them became frightened and began to pray.

"O Lord," he prayed, “I've broken most of thy commandments. I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise never again...”

"Wait a minute, Jack,” said his friend. “Don't go too far. I think I see a sail.”

The boring church

The Christmas Eve service was over, the couple shook all the hands on the way out the door as they wished everyone a Merry Christmas.

As they drove home, the wife decided to find out what he thought of this wonderful service.

The husband thought for a moment and replied: "you're always trying to get me to go to that boring church. Every time I attend a service, they either sing 'He Arose' or 'Silent Night!'"

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Financial woes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donder and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues as well as the box stores have diminished Santa's market share and Santa could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model hybrid Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

We are pleased to announce that Rudolph's role will not be changed. Tradition is very important at the North Pole. But the following changes are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas Division...'

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop we thought it would be. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. Since the election of the new French president, the French products seem to be on the rebound with those on our U.S. list.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talk.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Elves. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.

As you can imagine, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce saving which will drop down the bottom line.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

More cuts/layoffs may be announced previous to Santa's appearance before the U.S. Congress. We are offering a new line of Santa's North Pole consumer products. They are of the finest quality and are mostly manufactured at the North Pole.

[credit willoughbyontheweb] & Bud

A Politically Correct Christmas

More problems for Santa...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck!
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
'Vertically Challenged' they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, that sure looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

2nd hand smoke from his pipe had others quite frightened!
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
His being chubby and Jolly saying his Ho Ho Ho.
Was now taboo, he should be somber and thin as a beanpole.

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion.
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gin that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gin, it's price beyond worth!!!
May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth.

[Anonymous]

The meaning of Christmas...

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes, or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?

~ Theodore Giesel

[selected from The Quote Garden]

Restructuring at the North Pole...

You've read the numerous headlines about the financial woes of the auto manufacturers, banks, insurance companies, cities, etc. But, did you realize that there are financial problems at the North Pole also?

Not only are Santa, Mrs. Claus and Santa's elves experiencing financial difficulty, but they're trying to prepare for global warming. These are difficult times!

Plus Santa has experienced some recent unexpected legal problems.

Since Santa will be returning from his overnight trip tomorrow morning, he will then be posting some of his restructuring plans for the North Pole, Inc. This will be in preparation for his visit to capital hill in Washington where he will be making his case for financial aid from the U.S. government.

Tomorrow, we will be posting some of his downsizing plans on our blog.

Stay tuned for a partial list of some of these painful changes.

But in the meantime, Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Author unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow tied to the back of his truck. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Bud's Ramblings...

Since I grew up north of Buffalo, NY in North Tonawanda, I'm familiar with white precipitation falling from the sky anytime between the months between November and April. But I moved south into the "snow belt" near Fredonia, NY about 8 years ago. Now, I know some of the natives around here will tell you that we don't get that much snow here but...THEY LIE!

Almost two years ago, Diane took me shopping for a snow blower at Monte's. Monte's is a great little store, which sells lawn tractors, snow blowers, etc. Diane ended up buying a snow blower which can pull a house! This thing has 6 forward speeds, two reverse speeds, a headlight, electronic starter, cruise control, powered wheels which can turn it right or left, a pistol grip which aims the chute and the snow up, down, left or right, and a cup holder. (I lied about the cup holder...Diane has her limits!) I told her at the time that we didn't need something that big. But I now admit every time I come back into the house after snowblowing with my frozen white ski mask, brittle mittens, cold/wet pants and heavy boots...I mumble to her through numb lips: "What a great snow blower!!!!!!"

This snow blower even waits for me when I fall. Here's what happens every time I slip and fall using this snow blower... As I fall, the snow blower stops moving, the auger (which throws the snow) stops, Kacey (my dog) runs up to me to lick my frozen ski mask. Then I get back to my feet and away I go.

I am now sitting in the warm office with my frozen feet on top of Kacey (my golden retriever, who is at this moment lying under my desk). As I look out the window, I see snow being whipped horizontally from the right to the left. The snow is caked onto the outside window screen, so I can only see through the upper window. Everything outside is white with the exception of a few branches of the naked trees across the road.

Sunrise has already occurred (I know that because it is a little brighter outside) but I will not actually see the sun again until mid-May. During winter, we have only nighttime (dark) and daytime (a little less dark). A 100 mile stretch of the Thruway from Rochester, NY to the Pennsylvania state line is now closed due to blowing/drifting snow and I'm considering calling the Florida Chamber of Commerce.

Last year, I found an article titled: 'Diary of a shoveler.' Since I'm shoveling and snow blowing 4 times a day, I thought I'd dig out that article and share it again. Even though the author is unknown, I'm sure this guy lived in our neighborhood and is now drooling on himself wearing a jacket tied only in the back.
I'll stick the article on my blog tomorrow.

The feeling has finally returned to my left index finger. I know that because I felt it when I typed the letter "F" in the word "finger!"

May you and yours enjoy a WARM & Merry Christmas...
Bud (and a very warm Kacey)

Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder Instrument repairman: Anita Hammer Attorney: Gil T. Azell

Christmas trivia
• During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.
• Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the founding of the company.
• In an effort to solicit cash to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large crab pot was set down on a San Francisco street, becoming the first Salvation Army collection kettle.
• More diamonds are purchased at Christmas-time (31 %) than during any other holiday or occasion during the year.
• More than three billion Christmas cards are sent annually in the United States.
• After ‘A Christmas Carol,’ Charles Dickens wrote several other Christmas stories, one each year, but none was as successful as the original.
• An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year and see 28 cards return in their place.

Boring Christmas Statistics
$457.4 billion - Holiday sales
$93.2 billion - Donations given to religious organizations, the top recipient of aid
842 million mph - Speed Santa traveled to visit all 842,000,000 houses on his route
51.7 million - People who shopped online from work for holiday gifts
46 million - Households with an artificial Christmas tree this year
36 million- Estimated number of real Christmas trees sold
22 million - Households without a Christmas tree this year
$791 - Amount each consumer will spend this year ($451.34 - spent on family / $99.22 - spent on self)
$30.57 - Spent on greeting cards and postage
25 - Number of years that fruitcakes can age and still be “enjoyed,” as long as they have the right preservatives and are stored in tightly closed tins
11% - People who say they would make time to re-gift a fruitcake
4% - Americans who don't celebrate Christmas at all

'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
Ad-man Robert L. May created “Rudolph” in 1939, when he wrote a whimsical little story and circulated it at Christmas time in pamphlet form among the Montgomery Ward mail-order department. Ten years later, tunesmith Johnny Marks composed a musical setting, and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” burst on the holiday scene in Gene Autry’s hugely successful recording. (Autry was originally afraid the song wasn’t right for his cowboy image, but his wife, Ira, convinced him it was.)

#1 Song on this date in history
December 21
1958 – ‘The Chipmunk Song’ (David Seville & the Chipmunks)
1952 – ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ (Jimmy Boyd)
1942 – ‘White Christmas’ (Bing Crosby)

History of Christmas Toys Timeline: ‘Lincoln Logs’
Question from last week: John Lloyd Wright, the son of architect Frank Lloyd Wright, introduces a new toy in 1916. He is inspired by the way his father designed the earthquake-proof ‘Imperial Hotel’ in Tokyo, Japan. What popular toy did he design?
Answer: John Lloyd Wright was inspired by his father’s building design to invent interlocking toy logs called Lincoln Logs, which children still use to build imaginative structures. The patent for Lincoln Logs [# 1,351,086] was issued 8/31/1920. As late as 1975, Lincoln Logs were still selling at a rate of one million sets a year.
Next week: In 1901, at just 22 years of age, Joshua L. Cowen creates a battery-powered toy as an ‘animated advertisement’ for products in a store’s display window. To his surprise, customers are more interested in buying his display toy, than the merchandise in the display window. What toy did he invent? Answer next week.

We would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Christmas songs Brain teaser #3 Answers

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas carols:
ANSWERS:

Approach everyone who is steadfast: 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'

Ecstasy toward the orb: 'Joy to the World'

Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize: 'Hark, the Herald Angels Sing'

Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem: 'Oh Little Town of Bethlehem'

Quiescent Nocturnal period: 'Silent Night'

The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo: 'We Three Kings'

The primary carol: 'The First Noel'

Embellish the corridors: 'Deck the Halls'

I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide: 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas'

I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise: 'I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus'

During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight: 'While Shepherds Kept their Flocks by Night'

The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day: 'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear'

The coniferous nativity: 'O Christmas Tree'

What offspring abides thus?: 'What Child is This?'

Removed in a bovine feeding trough: 'Away in a Manger'

Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!: 'God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen'

Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti: 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'

The slight percussionist lad: 'The Little Drummer Boy'

Father Christmas approaches the metropolis: 'Santa Claus is coming to Town'

Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere: 'Angels We have Heard on High'

The tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere: 'O Holy Night'

Christmas songs Brain teaser #3

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas carols. {Nobody has gotten all the correct titles yet!)


Approach everyone who is steadfast:

Ecstasy toward the orb:

Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize:

Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem:

Quiescent Nocturnal period:

The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo:

The primary carol:

Embellish the corridors:

I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide:

I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise:

During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight:

The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day:

The coniferous nativity:

What offspring abides thus?:

Removed in a bovine feeding trough:

Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!:

Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti:

The slight percussionist lad:

Father Christmas approaches the metropolis:

Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere:

The tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere:

(Answers tomorrow)
[Mikey's funnies]