Attorneys in action...

These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts.'
They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

[Thanks to Betty V.]

The wisdom of Victor Borge

"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."

"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible ... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary."

"If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward. The rest goes to the government."

"When an opera star sings her head off ... she usually improves her appearance."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married, but his wife wasn't."

"I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it."

"I don't mind Daylight Saving Time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."

"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."

"Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. Because, you see, humor is truth."


Victor Borge was a Danish-American humorist, entertainer and
pianist, affectionately known as the 'Clown Prince of Denmark.' When the Nazis occupied Denmark during World War II, Borge was playing a concert in Sweden, and managed to escape to Finland. He traveled to America on the USS American Legion, the last passenger ship that made it out of Europe prior to the war, and arrived August 28, 1940 with only 20 dollars, three of which went to the customs fee. Disguised as a sailor, Borge returned to Denmark once during the occupation to visit his dying mother. In 1993 Victor Borge received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Victor Borge passed away in December of 2000.



[taken from web sites all over the 'Net by Mark Raymond]

Who was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:



1. He called everyone brother



2. He liked Gospel



3. He didn't get a fair trial



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:



1. He went into His Father's business



2. He lived at home until he was 33



3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:



1. He talked with His hands



2. He had wine with His meals



3. He used olive oil



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:



1. He never cut His hair



2. He walked around barefoot all the time



3. He started a new religion



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:



1. He was at peace with nature



2. He ate a lot of fish



3. He talked about the Great Spirit



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:



1. He never got married.



2. He was always telling stories.



3. He loved green pastures.



But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:



1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.



2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.



3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

[If you are offended by any of these, please remember I am a no-talent musician with no money]

'Punny' books to read...

*just a hint for you oboe players...my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek! If you need "explanations," just email me.*


"Come On In!" by Doris Ohpen.

"The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp.

"I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight.

"Prison Security" by Barb Dwyer.

"My Career as a Clown" by Abe Ozo.

"Why I No Longer Eat Fast Food" by Tommy Ayk.

"Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt.

"The Secret of Rapunzel" by Harris Long.

"Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde.

"Waging Nuclear War" by Adam Baum.

"So You're Engaged" by Bess Twishes

"How to Survive a Riot" by Donny Brooke.


Thoughts for the day...
When someone finally wrote the first book about watch-making, did everyone think it was about time?

"To err is human; to refrain from laughing, humane."
~ Lane Olinghouse

"Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death."
~ Lynn Johnston

['Mark's musings,' & 'Mikey's funnies']

Ways to tell you spend too much time online...

Your driver's license also has your email address.

















You have four separate phone lines, yet you live alone.






America Online solved all of its access problems by kicking you off the service.
















Even your waterbed is hooked up to a modem.














Instead of asking someone where they live, you say, "What's the URL?"






You really "do" have a mouse in your pocket.






You give your kids online time as their weekly allowance.






You have a low-grade year-round tan from the monitor's glow.






To speed up your downloads, you're running your modem through your microwave.













When your spouse is scratching your back, you say, "Scroll down."













You bump into an old friend on the street, and run home so you can use a live chat room with him.






When you say, "my better half," you mean your computer.

Snippets of the wisdom of life...

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.













If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.










Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.





A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.





Men who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the man who is doing it.





Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.





Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?





Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.





No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.





I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.





The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.





There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.







There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. ----
Like this: It could be a right number.







No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.







Swallowing angry words before you say them is better than having to eat them afterwards.







After age 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

[Thanks to Jim Shevlin]

Bud's 2008 reflections...

The beginning of each new year has always been a reminder for me to look back at the previous year's activities. I try to pull all the information from my previous year's planner and insert it into my new year's planner and the computer calendar. Birthdays, deaths, anniversaries, telephone numbers, email addresses, etc. It's amazing all the events which occur in a single year.

2008 was a very memorable one for me. The church choir, the choir director's position in Sheridan, the chorus, participating in the Christmas musical at Harvest Chapel in Fredonia, the many ensembles, new friends, and the never ending presidential election. I will list the many wonderful musical memories of 2008 on tomorrow's blog. Yes, it includes a tuba ensemble concert. I know you will be waiting with baited breath!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE!

Bud

"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on."

~ Samuel Butler

A Musician's New Year's resolutions...

1) I will not conduct along with my stereo.
2) I will refer to athletic teams with respect, not as 'the pre-show entertainment.'
3) I will attempt a social life (Whatever that is).
4) I will not drum along with music on my steering wheel.
5) I will not announce the title, movement, or composer of music being played in restaurants or elevators.
6) I will refrain from carrying a mouthpiece with me at all times.
7) I will not refer to my instrument as ‘my baby.’
8) I will not practice and surf the internet at the same time.
9) I will not practice and watch a movie at the same time.
10) I will not practice and talk on the phone at the same time.
11) I will not attempt to set off the doorbell by playing the appropriate frequencies on my instrument for the sole purpose of confusing other members of the household.
12) I will not attempt #11 as it applies to security systems either.
13) I will not include a person’s instrument in their name.
14) I will not sing show tunes in public.
15) At least one of my radio’s pre-sets will be something other than a classical or jazz station.
16) I will not wake up others with ‘Reveille,’ nor will I announce bed time with ‘Taps.’
17) I will try to hold at least one conversation per day that does not, in any way, remotely pertain to music.
18) I will not practice Solfege in the shower.
19) I will acknowledge the fact that nobody else finds Gregorian chants fascinating.
20) I will attempt to become friends with a non-musician.
Hah...

2008 in review...

Do you remember these names and images from 2008?
(in no particular order of prominence...)






Jennifer Stuczynski: We're very proud of this pole vaulting silver medalist of the summer olympics native of Fredonia, NY.



















Barrack Obama: Who really thought he would win? Did he really bowl a 37?







Mitt Romney: Alright already! I know what a Mormon is!!!!







Rudy Giuliani: Who runs for President, but only campaigns in Florida unless you're running for President of AARP?







John McCain: I'm still not convinced he really wanted to win.







Mike Huckabee: This former pastor/guitar player lasted longer than anyone thought he would. Like the 'Energizer Bunny,' he just wouldn't quit!









Hillary Clinton: (is she still a state senator?) Is she on "paid leave" from her NY Senate seat?








Fannie Mae: Sounds like a new musical opening on Broadway.






Freddie Mac: Did you hear McDonald's is going to offer a new 'FreddieMacBurger? It used to have a 1/4 lb. of beef...now it only contains a pickle.






Eliot Spitzer: (where's he been hiding?)








Jeremiah Wright: "God Bless America!" Does anyone listen to the sermon?






Plaxico Burress: Never carry a loaded handgun in your pants!






Al Franken: SNL characters really love politics! He may end up being a US Senator. They're still counting the votes!






Tony Rezko: Not everyone will remember this guy!






iPhone: I could never afford one!








Joe Biden: (is he from Pennsylvania or Delaware?)






Sarah Palin: My brother lives in Anchorage, Alaska. They love her up there!








Michael Phelps: Who is Mark Spitz?







2008 Beijing Summer Olympics: Did you watch any TV coverage of the Olympics? I tried to watch Jennifer or table tennis (Yes, I'm a ping-pong nerd!) I couldn't find Jennifer or ping-pong coverage. But I did watch the exciting synchronized swimming and gymnastics coverage (YAWN!).

















Tina Fey: Is her name Tina Fey or Sarah Palin?







O.J. Simpson: As Buffalo Bills fans, we remember him as #32...I guess he's got a different number now!







$4.00/Gallon: "What goes up...must come down!"